Death Becomes Her

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I happened upon a series yesterday hanging around in the racks at the local library branch.

I found this book and after reading the first line, I knew that I wanted it.

When the black skull and crossbones carved into Alexander Blaine Underhill III’s left pec began to smoke, he knew tonight wasn’t the night he was going to get his newest cross-stitching tapestry finished.

From the book jacket

He needed a killer woman...
Blaine Underhill is one lucky man after having recently escaped a century and a half of imprisonment at the hands of an evil witch. Now he's determined to save his still-enslaved friend, but in order to do so, he'll need the help of one of the world's most lethal women.
She was drop dead gorgeous, literally...
Trinity Harpswell is sick and tired of being a Black Widow. Having managed to go three years without accidentally killing anyone she loves, she's one short week away from freeing herself from this killer curse forever.
When Blaine tracks her down and convinces her to help him, little does Trinity know that the next seven days are going to be murder!

Read at your own risk. There be spoilers below. 

It is not what you think, it is not about a sexy paranormal warrior who also crafts with a needle. I know, your dream man… 
It is about a slave who escapes a couple of hours of torture if he can prove that he has mastered a feminine art. The woman who inflicts this type of torture is none other than the witch Angelica, Death’s maternal grandmother.

This book is full of interesting characters.  

 Our heroine, Trinity Harpswell , is besties with Death’s personal assistant, Reina Knight. And, oh yeah, she is a Black Widow killer who is currently abstaining from killing her lovers. Which is why Reina is so keen to be her BFF; Reina is attracted to death like I am attracted to a shoe sale at Dillards.

It gets better. There’s this assassin who kills by turning people into pink dust. No word on if it is bubblegum flavored. He happens to target our heroine’s father for dusting after an unfortunate incident with a fork.

Death’s Grandpa, Napoleon, is back and he wants that girl who he dumped after she served him a batch of magic made cookies. She was really proud of those cookies, too. It took her three weeks to get off the floor and then a few hundred years of emasculating kidnapped boys to get over that hurt.

Napoleon gives a her an ultimatum, become his adoring, now-sexier wife or he smites her with her own black magic smut which she has been depositing into a fairy for the past 200 years turning said fairy into a deranged killer. 

Yes, she has a Fairy Smut Monster.

 
And then there is Blaine our hero and master at counted cross-stitch. It is a little awkward reading the inner most thoughts of a brutalized warrior who distracts himself from contemplating new patterns by thinking of gruesome disembowelment techniques to prove his manliness to himself.

Will Death stop his grandmother from abducting young boys and subjecting them to centuries of terror in her Den of Womanly Pursuits for a better business plan? Will Trinity save her father from becoming an ingredient in a pink smoothie? Will Blaine finally finish his counted cross-stitch pattern or kill the witch?

I can't wait to read more....

B+

Keith Hartman Monkey Stories

 

Publisher: CreateSpace (April 23, 2009)

I had the pleasure of stumbling upon Keith Hartman while hiding in the library stacks for some peace and quiet one day.  I found this little gem The Gumshoe, the Witch, and the Virtual Corpse. I read the original edition from 2001.  I loved it so much that I waited three weeks for the sequel to arrive into my library.   Both books were page turners. 

The original books had very strange technical programs.  I do not believe the publishers

Publisher: CreateSpace (December 8, 2009)

 hired a copy editor for the editions that I read. If you do not like reading errors like "cockpot" for "crockpit"  or "your" when "you're" is required, then I suggest that you read the 2009 editions of the books. At least, I hope those pesky errors were corrected.  If not, someone needs to hire a gay detective to find a copy editor. 


Oh, did I mention that this story has a gay detective?  
No. That would be the gumshoe mentioned in the titles.  The witch is his partner's friend and I never did understand who or what is a virtual corpse.
I loved the books.  I loved them so much that I want to the author to make more just for me.  Besides, he left a number of unfinished story lines in both books.  Shame on you Hartman for teasing me like that.
I like to tell you about his writing.  Freaking amazing.  Hartman has a gift. In this scene, the detective brings in the client's boyfriend to close the case.  You know what kind of case.

Skye was standing there, waiting.  I looked back at Charles. I have seen men who were being shot at who didn't look half as scared as he did. 

It is 2024, scientists have found the gene for homosexuality.  Charter schools have formed to perpetuate religious exclusivity or maybe the public school system finally just gave up.  The media creates a new boogeyman for every grassroots cause.  There is the Baptist News Network Religion which attacks everyone different.   The Cherokee nation is attempting to win back its rightful historical lands with help from China (who is tired of the US criticizing their stance on Tibet). Religious and sexual preferences have redistricted communities.  Advances in technology have virtually eliminated privacy.  And important people have a murderous need to protect themselves from the hint of a scandal. 

Hold on, isn't that happening now?  
 

• Facebook releases private information to third party applications, again.  
• A proposed Islamic community center has created huge opposition from some Christian organizations. 
• Don't Ask Don't Tell and Gay marriage are becoming constitutional issues.  
• A 2010 political candidate has been accused of witchcraft.  
• The Teaparty.  
• A well known minister has been accused of having homosexual relationships with minors.  
• Another candidate has been outed as a Nazi LARPer
• The MPAA just announced the difference between "male nudity" and plain ordinary "nudity."  (wtf?) 

All of it madness....  It is as if the psychic Hartman wrote his book in 2001 so that a reader can pick it up today and think, "This guy is like the Star Trek writers.  How did he know all this would become true? "

These books have all of it, nude pagans, gay hustlers, transvestite Shamans, mad artists, Baptist militia, a female pope, "devil-worshiping anti-Christian conspiracy" theory touting televangelists, artificial wombs, cloned actors, a cartoon animal totems and palmtops (forget the laptop). 

Oh. You want to know about the stories?

The Gumshoe and his psychic partner solve mysteries.  There you go. 
Seriously.  The stories are told from the viewpoints of various characters. This style takes some getting used to.  Despite this, the character's voices define this world full of its ironies and Hartman's social commentary. 

From the book jackets (I included the original artwork)

Meisha Merlin Pub., 1999

Welcome to 21st century Atlanta. During your stay, depending on your tastes, you can cruise gay midtown (I hear that the Inquisition Health Club has introduced manacles and chains to the aerobics class) or check out the Reverend-Senator Stonewall's headquarters at Freedom Plaza (watch out for the Christian Militia guarding it, though) or attend a sky-clad Wiccan sabbat (by invitation only). Avoid the courthouse, where the Cherokee have turned out in full war-paint to renegotiate a nineteenth century land deal. Also stay away from all cemeteries, at least until the police find out why someone is disinterring and crucifying corpses.

Meisha Merlin Pub,  2001

What had started as a simple case involving identical quintuplet actors cloned from the frozen corpse of a dead movie star was suddenly getting complicated. The pushy stage mom was to be expected, but the secret agents from the Cherokee nation came as a bit of a surprise, as did the lethal martial artist in the clown mask who had broken into his office. Nor had Drew planned on finding himself in the middle of a political death match between competing tele-ministeries. Besides, Drew had a personal score to settle, a little matter involving a privatized version of the KGB, a ring of male prostitutes, and a vampire sex cult.

I found it particularly humorous that the Baptists in his novels abort fetuses testing positive for the gay gene, assert that homosexuality is only found amongst those other evil religions (Catholic, Wiccan, Unitarian, etc.), and adopt non-gay embryos in order to provide them with a good home.   But that is just me.  
Love all the little children if they are straight and Baptist.  Come on, you know someone just like that.

I give this book an A.  I give the author a big fat D for not writing more stories about the Gumshoe and his psychic partner.  He has a great story and about 1/2 dozen open plots.  His version of Atlanta is unique, pretentious, fragmented and delightful.    I would want to visit it but I don't know where I would fit in.

Dancing with Werewolves by Carole Nelson Douglas

"It was the revelation of the millennium: witches, werewolves, vampires, and other supernaturals are real. Fast-forward thirteen years: TV reporter Delilah Street used to cover the small-town bogeyman beat back in Kansas, but now, in high-octane Las Vegas--which is run by a werewolf mob--she finds herself holding back the very gates of Hell. At least she has a hot new guy and one big bad wolfhound to help her out..."


First things first I have to warn you, there is absolutely no dancing with werewolves in this book. There is a brief scene in which our heroine dances with a (maybe?) vampire but that's it. I guess you really shouldn't judge a book by its cover, er title...

In this book, we are introduced to Delilah Street, so named for the street she was supposedly found on. Yep, we got us an orphan heroine so we know already that the mystery of her origins is going to come into play at some point (yawn). We get periodic flashbacks that offer glimpses into her childhood, she was raised in group homes with mean vampire/would be rapist boys and strange dreamlike impressions of painful penetration by some kind of metallic thing. This gives some meat to her early description (by a would be suitor-vampire) as 'frigid'.
Normally the back story wouldn't be that important this early but as the cataclysmic event that drives Delilah from Kansas to Las Vegas happens early on, it's useful to know. So, let's move onto the story itself shall we?

After a hard day of reporting on bloated, internally dissolved cows, Delilah heads home to watch a CSI-like program based out of Las Vegas. At the end of the show there is a cameo of a corpse who is a dead-ringer (pun intended) for Delilah. Worrisome isn't it? Could this be a long lost twin? Who is that woman with the maggot in her nose? Unfortunately Delilah has a date coming over so she can't investigate...yet.
Delilah's date is with a vampire coworker, he's the news anchor, and it doesn't go well. It goes so horribly wrong that he manages to steal her spot at the station and turn the weather girl (weather witch) against her. Delilah finds herself demoted at work and goes home to find her cabin/cottage reduced to splinters from a freak tornado that only touched down at that particular spot. What can she do but pack up to go to Las Vegas to track down the corpse extra from the television program? (As opposed to, I don't know, fighting for her job and maybe finding a new place to live in town??)

So Delilah heads off to Vegas where she promptly meets Ric, a dowser for the dead, who promptly gets his arms around her to show her how to dowse for water, which promptly leads to a psychic awakening in Delilah as they discover a murdered couple, dating back 40 years or so. Oh yea, it's all erotically charged and they sort of dry hump right then and there. 'Cause nothing is hotter than bludgeoned corpse visions right?
Ric also has a tip for her to get in to Hector's (producer of that CSI show with the dopplganger corpse) fortress-like home. She gets in, he thinks she's the corpse, who actually was a corpse and he then offers her a place to live on the grounds. Huh?
After a whirlwind exploration of Vegas and acquiring a giant wolfhound, Delilah is set upon by not one, but two gangs of would-be collectors. Apparently her resemblance to the corpse is enough to make people want to kidnap her to rent her out and/or kill her again on film. M'Kay...
So naturally Delilah moves in with Hector. Meanwhile she is starting her own PI business, gotta figure out who those corpses were right?

Quick sum up: we have a woman who has her latent psychic powers awakened by a man. She requires the protection of a man, to save her from other men who want to collect her. Oh, and she has a huge dog.

So Delilah heads off to track down the origins of these corpses, mixing in with all sorts of supernaturals in the process. We have the albino vampire (maybe?) who seems to be helpful. At any rate he tricked her into accepting a talisman that seems to track and protect her. We have the werewolf casino owner/mafia boss who kidnaps her to force her into a magic show. We have the magician and his creepy fae assistants. The magician helps her develop her special mirror walking ability while the fae assistants try to kill her, then help her escape instead. Meanwhile, she discovers that the female half of the corpse couple that she found with Ric was the daughter of the man who kidnapped her. Whew!

Sum up squared: Gets kidnapped. Discovers another latent ability with the help of yet another man. Runs back to Hector's safe house.

The bulk of the book focuses on the developing relationship she has with Ric. They even get to the point of sex. She can't lay back because of the trauma of her nightmares so to make it easier on her, she loses her virginity doggie-style. WTF?? Ouch! Good thing they are in love...already...

Towards the end Delilah goes back to the casino to get proof (via a photo) that the female corpse really is dudes daughter. By then she is speculating that the man was a vampire since in those days the vampire/werewolf war was in full swing (If you're wondering why I haven't mentioned that before it's because is so shrouded in mystery that there isn't anything to say about it). Guess what happens next! Go on, I'll wait...that's right, she gets captured again. This time it isn't going to be all fun and games like being forced into a stage magician show though, nope, this time they are going to take her out into the hills for hunting.
So she's out in the boonies in a houseful of werewolves and after some debate as to whether or not they ought to sell her or pimp her, she is set 'free' to run so they can hunt her down and kill her. Finally we get to see Delilah taking action! Oh wait, it's our albino vampires' (maybe?) talisman that gets her off the porch and a bit of a head start. So she's running, and running, and running (seriously, head start or no, who stays ahead of a wolf??) when, miraculously, she runs into Ric! Ric whips out his gun and starts shooting her pursuers, telling her to keep going...such a hero and all right? (gag) Finally she is cornered and (gasp!) she discovers another latent talent, all by herself even! She surrounds herself with ghost wolves which keeps her attackers at bay (heh, get it?) until the zombies show up to tear the werewolves limb from limb.
Wait a second here, where the 'eff did the zombies come from? Oh, look, there's Ric...not only can he find the dead apparently he can raise them as well! Yea for super powers!

Sum up cubed: Gets caught again, by the same bad guys as before. Discovers yet another hidden talent (all by herself even!). Gets rescued by a man.

After all that Delilah heads back to Hector's. And then...the story just ends!



So ultimately we have a heroine who is a weak, sexually repressed, co-dependent mess. She managed to alienate her audience (me) with all of her internal whining and the obliviousness of her actions. Toward the end of the book I was starting to hope that she would just die and get it over with...after all, how many times can one woman really expect to be rescued?? The only reason I finished it was because I wanted to find out what the deal was with the dead couple. Imagine my irritation when the story ends with nothing more than the identity of the woman. Seriously?? All that build up and it's just left as a cliffhanger?

I could deal with the identity of the CSI corpse left undiscovered, I didn't need to have the origins of Delilah's super-duper powers spelled out but I think I deserved a bit of closure in the 'mystery' that drove the storyline! Suffice to say, I will not be reading the next installment.

Verdict: Story FAIL.